You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
