I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
