I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
