once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I need to align my fucking chakras
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
