dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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