New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
sex in a hospital.. check
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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