Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
