The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
