I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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