Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
