at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
There's even glitter on my cock...
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