I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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