my mouth tastes like poor choices
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
