My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
