question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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