I seem to have left my pride at pride
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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