my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
