Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
