haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
