id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It's official drugs can't kill me
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
