I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
