Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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