New low: just hacked my moms facebook
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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