Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
