im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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