I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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