On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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