Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
