i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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