I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
