I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
