3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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