either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
