i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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