I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize