the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
