Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
