Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just want nice things and good sex
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
