Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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