can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
