I just pynch a tree in the face
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
