you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
