Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
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