i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
