i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
