Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm like, not good at living.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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