My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
