i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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