I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
