my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
