does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize