Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
