So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
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