foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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