I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize