I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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