Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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