I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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