Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize