I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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