Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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