First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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