The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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