We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
