Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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