Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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