Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
