There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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