youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
