Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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