My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
