I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
