You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
