The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
