I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
